The Importance of Being Jerrica
by wwarriorgirl
Summary: Everyone always wants Jem, or so it seems to Jerrica.
1. Chapter 1

"Hey Jerrica, have you seen Jem?" Rio asked when he stuck his head into her office at Starlight Music.

"No. I haven't."

"Well, do you have a number for her or something?"

"She won't let me give her number out to anyone. You know that Rio." Jerrica said trying not to sound exasperated. "I have to call her tonight anyway, what do you need? I can ask her for you."

"Nah. I'll just talk to her when she comes in tomorrow. It's about the new song Kimber wants to work on. It's a music thing. You wouldn't…" Rio stopped before he said something he would regret.

"Wouldn't understand?" Jerrica completed for him.

"That's not what I meant."

"You meant to say that it is a music thing and that me, poor, talentless little Jerrica Benton wouldn't understand? Is that what you meant?" Jerrica asked pointedly.

"You just aren't a singer Jerrica, it's something that I can only explain to a singer."

Jerrica nodded curtly. "Yes, of course. When I speak with Miss Jem tonight I will make sure to pass along that you need to discuss a music thing that only a singer will understand with her."

"Jerrica don't be mad." Rio said as he came further inside her office.

"No. I'm not mad. Don't worry, I'm not mad." She said with enough heat to singe off his eyebrows. He backed up a step or two.

"Jerrica.."

"I've got a lot of work to do Rio." She said curtly and didn't look up from her work. Rio sighed and left Jerrica to it.

Once the door was closed Jerrica threw the pen down on the desk and pulled at her hair. She stood quickly and paced the room for a moment, and then looked out of the window and saw the glaring sign that spoke of Misfits Music, and her blood boiled again. The Misfits were gaining on the charts, and Jem and the Holograms needed to put out a record. And here she was sitting in her office mountains of paperwork that needed to be done, and Jem hadn't taken the time in several days to practice any of the songs that Kimber had prepared for the new record. She sighed heavily and rested her forehead on the cool glass and tried to get her act together.

She sat back down in her chair and decided that she would work diligently until she was finished with all of the work that would need to be done so she wouldn't have to record all day as Jem and then work all night as Jerrica, and then get up the next morning and try to live up to the peppy bright eyed façade that Synergy would create for her and be ready and able to give her all to recording only to spend the following night catching up….wash rinse and repeat.

Just as she got settled into working, the door opened again, "Sis! Jem is needed down stairs."

"Look Kimber, I can't just change at everyone's whim. I need to be sitting here, doing this paperwork…"

"Come on Jerrica! They want to talk to Jem."

"Who wants to talk to Jem?" Jerrica asked heatedly and stood to face her sister.

"Video is downstairs and she has a concept for the new video we are going to make for our single."

"You and the others can handle that Kimber."

"But, she wants to talk to Jem."

"But Jem is busy right now! Jem is busy being Jerrica, and Jerrica is busy trying to get this work done so Jerrica can get some sleep while Jem records the record!"

Kimber's eyebrows furrowed and shook her head a little. "But, we need her."

Jerrica, in a fit of aggravation, took the Jem star earrings and threw them at her sister. "You want Jem so much you be her!" Jerrica turned back to the desk and tried to ignore the nakedness she felt without the weight of the earrings in her ears.

Kimber knelt down and picked up the earrings and walked the short distance to the desk and put them on the paperwork Jerrica had been working on and shook her head. "I'm not Jem, and no hologram will make me Jem. I'll tell Video that Jem can't be reached right now."

"Thank you." Jerrica said with a sigh and affixed the earrings back to her ears quickly.

XXXXX

Jerrica finally turned off the light in her office around 11 and headed home. Upon entering, she found the three oldest starlight girls watching television.

"What are you girls doing up so late? It's a school night? Do Aja, Shana, and Kimber know you are up?"

"We're just watching the special on Jem."

"You guys don't need to watch specials on Jem. You need sleep so you can do well at school tomorrow."

"But.."

"But nothing. It's time to be in bed girls!" The girls reluctantly stood and as they were trudging up the stairs Jerrica heard one of the girls mumble that they wish Jem was the one here instead of Jerrica.

Jerrica's heart hurt at the remark and she sat down on the sofa and put her face in her hands. The tears came, the tears came whether she wanted them to or not, the tears came out of frustration, the tears came out of jealously, the tears came out of the sadness that she hadn't quite let out since her father died. Everyone only ever seemed to want Jem around. And why not? She was beautiful, talented, kind, caring, mysterious and compassionate. And what could Jerrica Benton offer? Why all she could offer was her demanding, bossy, overbearing, workaholic, dependable, responsible, boring personality.

She sniffed and wiped her eyes with the back of her hands. Pushing blonde hair out of her eyes, she decided that Jerrica would take a trip during the recording of the album. If everyone wanted Jem so badly, then by God they could have her.

"Showtime Synergy." She said softly. And Jem of Jem and the Holograms went to bed in the guest bedroom and Jerrica Benton was officially on a business trip.


	2. Chapter 2

Jerrica woke up in the guest room and struggled to regain her bearings. She put her hand in her hair and found that it was brushing the small of her back and then she remembered that she wasn't Jerrica anymore, she was Jem, and she reached for her star earrings aiming to tell Synergy to return her to her normal blonde self, but she stopped midway to her ear, she remembered the off handed words the girls had said the night before, the way Rio acted when Jem was around, remembered how people always asked for Jem, and never asked for Jerrica when she had gone MIA, she remembered how she decided to be Jem, decided to put Jerrica away, remembered that she was going to be the woman that everyone always wanted and asked for.

New found resolution in place she went to the bathroom to wash up for the day and was slightly startled at her reflection. It was Jem staring at her, and she wasn't used to going to bed and waking up wearing Jem's face and she had to turn from the mirror in order to reconcile her mind's eye perspective of herself and the image that was reflected in the bathroom mirror.

It took courage and effort to turn back to the mirror and take up a wash rag and wash the make-up from her eyes and mouth, she could have Synergy reapply both, but for the moment she needed to see who Jem was underneath the make-up. She pushed pink hair away from her forehead, and she looked into the violet eyes that were part of Jem and she couldn't see Jerrica in those eyes, she couldn't see Jerrica in the face, she couldn't' see Jerrica anywhere in the image in front of her.

_This must be why everyone is so drawn to Jem and not to Jerrica. _ She mused to her reflection. She sighed and shook her head, pink hair swishing all around her face, and she resolved to take a shower.

Once out and dressed, once make-up was reapplied courtesy of a simple spoken command, she stared at the reflection in the mirror, and she stood a little straighter. She was ready, she was ready to be Jem and only Jem for a while.

XXXX

Aja was in the kitchen finishing the daily task of packing lunches for the foster girls, when Jem came bounding down the stairs. "Hey all." She said smiling from ear to ear. Aja looked up, the voice was Jerrica's Jem voice, and the sight before Aja was Jem, in a bright yellow blouse and a red skirt, not Jerrica who was always up with the dawn and in the kitchen before any of the girls woke, helping to get the girls ready for school. Aja had figured that Jerrica was sleeping in this morning, because she hadn't gotten home until late, and Kimber had mentioned that her sister had seemed a little more stressed out than usual, and therefore Aja hadn't thought twice about letting Jerrica sleep in this morning.

But it wasn't Jerrica, it was Jem; why would Jem be here? Why would Jem be the one sleeping here?

The foster girls all smiled and hollered and jumped around Jem. "Where've you been Jem?"

"We haven't seen you in such a long time!"

"Are you doing a concert tonight?"

"Can we go?"

"Can you go to school with me today for show and tell?"

Jem laughed and shook her head. "No. No…no concert." She ran a hand through one of the smaller girl's hair. "The Holograms and I have a record to make and I didn't want to waste any time."

"You'll be here when we get home?"

"I'll be here this evening."

"Come on girls," Aja interjected. "It's time to go to school. You can bombard Jem with questions later. The bus is on the way." A chorus of unhappy voices responded and Aja made shooing noises and stood at the door and watched as the girls went down the lane to catch the school bus. Once the door was closed Aja looked back at Jem.

"What's up with you being here?"

"We have an album to cut." She said by way of explanation and began picking up the remnants of breakfast.

"But Jem doesn't have to be here." Jem shrugged and put the cereal box back into the cabinet.

"Jerrica." Aja said exasperated.

"I'm not Jerrica." Jem stated firmly. "Jerrica is in New York, she is scouting new talent for Starlight Music, I promised I'd be here for the girls in her absence."

Aja shook her head. "There is something wrong."

"No, nothing is wrong." Jem turned and smiled. "Don't worry Aja, you won't even notice that Jerrica isn't here." She said and squeezed her long time friend's hand. "Trust me." Jem gracefully exited the kitchen in a blur of flowing skirts and pink hair.


	3. Chapter 3

Aja decided to keep a watchful eye on Jem for the rest of the day. Something was up and she knew it, she had been Jerrica's friend for far too long for her to do something this drastic and to not think it would be noticed. Somewhere in the back of Aja's mind she had worried since the day Jerrica changed into Jem for the very first time that there would come a time when she would have to take the earrings from Jerrica, come a time where Jerrica decided that Jerrica was less than Jem, come a time when she would try to lose herself in the illusion of Jem. And Aja worried that the time had finally come. She liked Jem, Jem was Jerrica at her most outgoing, her most glamorous, at her most confident, but sometimes all of the qualities that made Jerrica a good friend and a good mother to all of the foster kids became background music of the Jerrica/Jem melody, and Aja never wanted to lose her oldest and best friend to a façade.

Aja noticed nothing out of the ordinary while they were practicing the last riff they would need to perfect before recording it. Kimber led the music, and Jem followed with the sweet voice, and the rest fell into line behind the Benton sisters. Jem was as normal as she ever was, and Aja tried to tell herself that she had been silly earlier and that there wasn't anything the matter with Jerrica, and it did make sense that Jerrica should go on a business trip while they worked on the new album, because it would be too much work for Jerrica to try to keep switching back and forth and trying to keep track of what and who she was.

However, just because she tried to convince herself, didn't mean that she was successful.

XXX

They spent the entire afternoon and part of the evening recording. It was Rio who finally stopped them.

"Jem, it's time to take a break."

"We can keep going, can't we girls?"

"Jem, your voice is giving, each take is weaker than the last. You need to take a break and rest your voice."

"And I think I missed five out of the last ten chords," Aja added.

"It was probably closer to 7." Rio joked from the other side of the glass.

"You're lucky you are on that side of the glass Rio." Aja threatened.

"Trust me I wouldn't have dreamt of saying it anywhere else."

"And my arms are sore." Raya added softly. "I don't think I could do this much longer."

Jem put her hands on her hips and sighed. "I guess stopping for the night would be a good idea."

"I'm starving." Kimber added.

"We haven't eaten since this morning." Shana said as she put her guitar on the stand and stretched out her back.

"Speaking of that," Rio said as he opened the studio door for the ladies to exit. "Have you guys seen Jerrica? I was hoping to take her out to dinner tonight if she wasn't too busy."

"She's out of town." Jem said as she stretched out her own back.

"What?"

"She left really early this morning." Jem added.

"Where did she go?"

"She said something about going to New York to scout some talent. I'm not really sure, she called me late last night and asked if I would stay at Starlight Mansion to fill in during her absences."

"She just left? That's not like Jerrica." Rio turned to Kimber. "Did you know she was leaving?"

"No." Kimber said honestly. She did her best to not look at Jem when she said it, and she also did her best to keep the edge out of it, but Kimber wasn't entirely successful in the last of the two endeavors, and Rio had been around Kimber since she was little and knew that she was hiding something.

"Was there a fight?"

"What?"

"Did the two of you have a fight last night or something?" Kimber shrugged.

Rio took Kimber by the arms and forced her to look at him, "Answer me Kimber."

"We didn't fight about anything out of the ordinary, nothing to make her up and leave. I don't know what her problem was." Rio let go and he seemed to shrink a little. "Did the two of you fight?" Kimber asked softly.

"It's none of our business Kimber." Jem interrupted. "It's between Jerrica and Rio, I'm sure your sister wouldn't like you prying into her life."

"She can not like a whole lot of things, but she ran off and if Rio knows what the problem might be, JEM, then I'd like to know. And it isn't like she's here to say anything about it."

"Well, we didn't exactly fight, but I said something that wasn't very well stated and I think…I think I may have hurt her feelings."

"It still doesn't explain why she felt the need to run off." Aja said.

"Maybe she just needed a break." Jem said as she put on her jacket. "Maybe you guys didn't do anything, maybe she just needed a break."

"It's not like Jerrica to just run off." Rio said. "I'm worried about her. Does anyone have a phone number to where she's staying?"

"She didn't leave one." Jem said.

Kimber shook her head, "No, she didn't even leave me one."

"Which hotel is she staying?" All five women shook their heads or shrugged their shoulders. "You mean to tell me all of you don't care that she has just disappeared to parts unknown for God knows how long?"

"She said that she is scouting bands. It's work. I don't even know if it is anything personal. She didn't say. Just that she would be back." Jem said shrugging.

"I don't like this."

"I don't either." Kimber said. "But sometimes Jerrica…"

"No. Jerrica isn't sometimes anything. She is consistent, dependable, and responsible. This isn't like her at all."

Aja put a hand on Rio's shoulder. "I bet she'll call Starlight Mansion tonight, and when she does, I'll make sure to have her call you. You have to trust that she's a grown woman and she can make her own decisions."

"You have her call me the moment she gets off the phone with you." Rio demanded. "I'm ashamed of you guys, how can you care so little about Jerrica that you don't even worry about her when she does something this uncharacteristic." Rio turned and angrily left the girls alone in the empty recording studio.

"You better be careful Jem. Jerrica is important to a lot of people, and you can't just simply take her away from people and expect to replace her." Aja said turning and heading towards the door.

"And I think you better have Jerrica call Rio, or there might be an out and out man hunt looking for Jerrica, and we can't have that." Shana added.

Jem closed her eyes and nodded. "I'll call him."

XXXX

Jem closed the door behind her, and sat down on the bed. She picked up the phone and dialed Rio's familiar number.

"Jerrica?" he answered.

"You been answering the phone like that all day?" she joked.

"Thank God. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine Rio. I'm in New York scouting new bands, nothing to be worried about."

"It isn't like you to just run off like this Jerrica. You scared me today."

"It's okay. Jem is there. She'll keep an eye on things for me."

He sighed. "Jem isn't just an alternate for you Jerrica. Look I'm sorry about how I said things yesterday."

"You don't have to apologize Rio, look, I've got to go."

"Where are you staying?"

"I'll talk to you later Rio." She said and hung up. She sighed and hung her head and when she looked up, she was facing the mirror. Jem stared back at her and she sighed. "I just can't win."


	4. Chapter 4

"I'll catch up with you guys later!" Jem called to the Holograms as they left the studio to take a break. They'd been working on the album non-stop since the girls had left for school, and Aja and the others had to be home before 5 because it was parent teacher conference night at the schools and they needed to be there for the girls. It was somewhat disconcerting for Jerrica that she wouldn't be able to go, because why would the famous Jem of Jem and the Holograms go to something as trivial as a conference for girls that weren't even hers? But as she contemplated having Jerrica come back early, the comment that had solidified the week long Jerrica free endeavor came back loud and clear: _I wish it was Jem that was here not Jerrica_. Those words rotated in her head, like a dog chasing its own tail, and she struggled to keep the tears at bay.

She loved those girls, did everything she could for them, tried so hard to be a good foster mother, tried so hard to make sure they got the same opportunities and the same love and affection that they would have received if they had had parents. And then to find out that they would really rather have someone else watch over them devastated her.

She shook herself, forcing herself not to think about the girls, and the conferences, forcing herself to return to Jem, return to thinking, acting, and feeling like Jem. She turned, and saw Rio heading out of the studio. Jem trotted up to Rio calling "Hey Rio wait up." He stopped and turned. He gave her a little hit of his glowing Rio smile.

"I thought you guys were going out to lunch?" he questioned.

"I wanted to talk to you for a little bit. I'm not that hungry anyway."

"Me either." He said. She knew that Rio only didn't eat when he was stressed out. And the album was going so well, and there wasn't anything stressful going on in that department, so could it be…

"Did Jerrica call you?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, she did." He shook his head. "Says that you are here to take over for her." He took a deep breath and sighed. "Sometimes I'm pretty sure she doesn't understand her worth. I mean, Jem, you're great, you're a nice person, but you aren't my Jerrica." He started walking towards the door, Jem fell in step beside him. "I love Jerrica. She's my best friend and the woman I eventually want to marry, when she's older, when she's more settled you know? When she isn't still grieving over her father."

"She lost her father over two years ago." Jem stated.

"Jerrica doesn't give herself time to do anything. She threw herself into your career, into Starlight Mansion, into Starlight Music, into keeping her father's interests safe from the clutches of Eric Raymond, but she hasn't actually taken time to grieve. I've wanted to be here for her, I've wanted to help her with that, but she won't let me. She's so independent, so determined to do things on her own, that she forgets there are people around her who love and care for her."

"I've never noticed that about her."

"Well, no offense, but you haven't exactly known her all of her life either Jem."

She swallowed, "I guess you're right." Jem nodded. She crossed her arms over her stomach trying to protect herself from the words that seemed to be just falling from Rio's mouth.

"And then there is the whole you issue." Jem's head shot up and she gave Rio a look that belied her confusion.

"The me issue?"

"Yeah. She practically forces me into your arms, and then she gets jealous when I show an ounce of affection for you. You're gorgeous. That is for sure. But…"

"I'm not Jerrica?" She finished.

"Exactly. You aren't Jerrica. Hell, I don't even know your last name. I don't know where you live, I don't have your phone number. But damn, you are hard to resist, and Jerrica keeps throwing me at you, and then gets mad when I go to you. I do love you Jem." Her eyes darted to his face and she tried not to let the shock register on her features. He finally said it. He finally admitted, he loved Jem, and if he loved Jem then how soon would it be before he realized that he loved Jem more than Jerrica? How would she be able to handle that? How would she be able to handle him breaking up with her, and then trying to start a relationship with Jem? How?

As her frantic brain raced, and she fought to control her raging emotions, Rio sighed and began to speak again, "But I don't love you like I do Jerrica."

"How do you love Jerrica?" she asked slowly and softly, bracing herself for an answer she was afraid would kill a little part of her.

"I don't know how to describe how I love Jerrica. I love her like a best friend." She tried not to visibly swallow at that statement, she desperately fought to not blot underneath her eyes, because that would indicate that she was trying to keep from crying, and while it would make complete sense for Jerrica to cry about a statement like that it would simply make Rio suspicious if Jem started to cry. "I love her like a lover should." He continued. "I also love her like a companion, I just love her."

"I don't understand." She said trying to regain the full use of her voice. "I don't understand where the confusion lies. It sounds to me like that you love her in every way that counts."

He laughed harshly. "Yeah. It would seem like it." He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "But then there's you. I feel very comfortable with you, like I've known you forever, and I do love you, but it's an undefined love. I don't know." He threw his hands in the air. "I don't know." He repeated. "I just miss Jerrica right now. I miss her, and I'm scared, and I'm confused. I just wish I knew what in the world she was thinking. I've never not known what she's thinking before." He said the last softly and mostly to himself.

She rested a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sure you'll understand when the time is right."

"I sure hope you're right Jem." They passed a clock in the hall and he sighed. "The Holograms should be back now. I didn't mean to keep you. I didn't mean for you to not get something to eat."

She shrugged. "I told you that I wasn't hungry anyway." She smiled at him, and for a second he thought he saw Jerrica in that smile. He mentally shook himself and looked down again at the face smiling up at him, it was definitely Jem. Jem with the beautiful exotic violet eyes, Jem with the wild pink hair, Jem with the low sultry voice, Jem who wasn't anything like his Jerrica.


	5. Chapter 5

When the recording session broke up at 3:30 Jerrica forgot herself and started to go with the others. "You can't go Jem." Kimber emphasized her name. "No one will understand why you are going to parent teacher conferences for foster girls you don't take care of. RE-MEM-BER?" She took a deep breath and froze in her tracks. She wanted to snap at Kimber, wanted to accuse her of being a child, wanted to tell her that she, Jem, could do whatever she wanted because they were _her _foster girls. But she stopped herself, because she, Jerrica Benton, had chosen to become and remain Jem for an entire week. She had committed to this charade, and it wasn't like Jerrica could show up for a couple of hours and then be gone again.

She sighed forced her emotions back to rights and straightened herself up. "You're right. Let me know how it went."

"Oh I'll be sure to let Jerrica know." Kimber said and stomped out of the studio. Jem looked at the others pleadingly, and Aja put a hand on her shoulder, "She'll be okay. She's just being…"

"Kimber?"

Aja smiled sadly and nodded. "Yeah, she's just being Kimber." Jem's violet eyes belied Jerrica's worry, because Jerrica always worried, and always regretted hurting Kimber's feelings, feelings which always seemed so easy for Jerrica to hurt.

Raya looked from her fellow Holograms to Jem and back again. "You guys go ahead, I'm going to stay behind and work a little bit longer with Jem." Raya smiled.

Jem shook her head. "No, Raya, you have plans with your brothers. You go on. I'll be fine."

"I don't have to go until later."

"No. You go on. You promised. And you can't back track on a promise."

"Jem…"

"I'm fine. I swear." She said with a false smile that had been practiced and perfected for the last couple of years. Raya looked back at the remaining Holograms and then back to Jem worriedly.

"It's okay. I swear." She smiled big and waved her hands in a shooing motion. "Go! I'll see you all back at the mansion after conferences. You guys have to fill me in on how the girls are doing."

The band nodded and each waved good-bye and the door shut behind them, and Jem was left standing there, standing there in her bright and cheery yellow dress, standing there in her youthful make up, standing there with her bright pink hair teased and decorated with a red bow, standing there looking the very picture of a bright eyed, cheery, successful rock star Jem, but when one looked a little closer, one could see Jerrica Benton. One could see the sad young woman who didn't know her own worth.

"No. No I will not cry." She muttered to herself and roughly ran a hand across her eyes, and stood a little straighter. "The girls didn't want Jerrica there, the girls wanted Jem to be the one at the house instead. They won't care if Jerrica doesn't' show up to conferences. I made the right decision. I am not going to be upset." With the pep talk out of the way she stood as straight as her spine would allow and she left the recording booth, and headed out of starlight music. She was going to take a walk, she was going to get some air, she was going to get her perspective, then she would go back to the mansion, and enjoy being Jem. Enjoy being able to smile and laugh with the girls, and not be the one to discipline them, enjoy not having to scold Ashley because she wasn't trying as hard as she could in her math class, not being the one who had to discuss the finer points of dressing for gym with Deidra, and not be the one who had to talk to Bahnee about taking the rest of her classes as seriously as she did her art work.

One of the things she always liked about being Jem was that she didn't have to do those things. She could praise the girls for what they did right, she could be the one to hug them and give them kisses and never once have to scold them or teach them the hard lessons. That was what Jerrica always did. Jerrica the disciplinarian, Jerrica the lecturer, Jerrica the bad guy, Jerrica the frugal, Jerrica the uptight, Jerrica the no fun foster mother.

XXXX

Jem shut the door to Starlight Mansion behind her a little around 7. The house was quiet, and it should have been at this time of night, supper would have been eaten, and now homework should be started. Jem took off her heels and put them next to the door, and headed for the kitchen, her stomach rolling. Inside was Chrissie, alone, with her books strewn about the kitchen table, looking quite frustrated.

"Hello Chrissie!" Jem said cheerily.

Chrissie looked up "Oh, hi Jem." She said without much enthusiasm.

"What's the matter?" She asked as she slid into a chair opposite the young girl.

"It's just this stupid math class. I've been having trouble with it all year." Jerrica knew that. Knew that she'd had many many conversations with her teacher about it, and all they had come up with was that Chrissie needed more home study, because Chrissie did everything else right, did her homework, paid attention in class, and asked questions. Chrissie just had a difficult time understanding the math. So, Jerrica had spent many long evenings at this very table helping Chrissie with her homework. There had been lots of crying, lots of anger, and lots of hugs at the end of the session both sides apologizing for the anger and the tears. "Maybe I can help you." Jem said brightly.

"No. Thank you Jem. Jerrica always helps me with it, and she knows how to help me."

"I'm pretty good at math too." Jem tried.

"No, thank you." Chrissie sighed. "I wish Jerrica were here." She said softly and began to tap her pencil against the book.

"Have you asked Aja? I know she's good with numbers."

"Yeah, I asked Aja at the beginning of the school year, she is really good at numbers. She's super smart, but she isn't good at making it make sense to me. Jerrica makes it make sense." A big fat tear slid down Chrissie's face. "She doesn't usually leave like this." A second tear followed the first. "Jerrica doesn't usually do this to us. When she leaves with you guys, she usually calls us each night, and talks to each one of us, and asks us how our day has been." Chrissie tried to sit up in her chair but all she really succeeded in doing was picking her head up off of the table. "And if I'm having a problem with school or anything, she takes the time to talk to me about it. She's helped me with math over the phone before." The tears started coming down in earnest now. "Do you think she's mad at us? Do you think we did something wrong? Deidra said that it might be her fault."

"What?" Jem asked startled. "What do you mean?"

"She said that Jerrica came home from work and saw them up past bedtime, and she made them go to bed, and Deidra said that she mumbled that she wished you were here instead of Jerrica. She didn't think Jerrica had heard it, but now she's worried that she did." Jerrica's heart sped up a thousand times. That was one of the reasons that "Jerrica" had left. She didn't think she was really wanted here, didn't think that the girls would notice, didn't think they would care. But she couldn't say that to these girls, couldn't make them believe that they were the sole reason for the exchange.

Jem reached a hand out and grabbed one of Chrissie's. "Sweetie. I don't know why Jerrica hasn't called, I know that she just went to do work stuff. I don't think it was because of you guys."

"Do you think she's hurt then?" Chrissie asked full fledge crying now. "Do you think that's why she hasn't called in two nights?"

"I just think she's busy."

"Kimber is mad at her. I can tell. Is that why she left? Is she mad at her sister?"

"Ohhhh Chrissie." Jem got out of her chair and gathered Chrissie up in her arms. "She didn't leave because of anyone. She just left because she had stuff to do for work sweetie. It's not like she's never coming back."

Chrissie began sobbing. "My real mom left me. She just one day never came home again. She told me that she was going to work, and to be good, and I did, and she never came back." Chrissie's tears were coming hotter and faster against Jem's yellow dress. "And now Jerrica is gone. She left and went to work and she hasn't come back in three days. She's the closest thing to a mom I've got. I love her, and I can't handle another person I love just leaving me." Chrissie said through tears. "Doesn't she love me?" Jem's own eyes burned with tears. She hadn't meant for this to happen. Hadn't meant to make the girls scared and hurt.

"She hasn't left forever Chrissie, she's coming back in a couple of days." Jem tried to soothe in a quivering voice.

"I need her now." Chrissie managed to croak out. As soon as the words were out, Jem hugged the foster girl tighter, laid a cheek on the girl's curls and wasn't able to hold the tears back that time.

Chrissie pulled away from the hug and wiped at her eyes with the back of a hand. Jerrica cursed Jem's dress, she always wore something with pockets and kept a handkerchief in one at all times, just for emergencies like this one. She got up and came back with a tissue box and handed it to the sad little girl.

"Jerrica keeps tissues in her pockets." Chrissie said sadly. Jerrica, inside the glamor and big hair sagged. Maybe she truly was wanted and needed. Maybe there was more to Jerrica Benton than the disciplinarian, the lecturer, the frugal, the uptight, and maybe she wasn't as poor of a foster mother as she had originally thought.

"I'm going to try a little longer." Chrissie said shakily. The little girl was trying to get herself back together, trying to pretend that her big reveal hadn't happened, trying to act like everything was okay, because Chrissie was a teenager, and teenagers didn't handle bursts of tears and emotional confessions well. "0Jerrica says that trying is half of the battle." Chrissie wiped her eyes again. "Maybe she'll call tonight. You think she'll call Jem?"

"I don't know Chrissie. But if she does, I'll make sure that she talks to you."

"Thank you Jem." She nodded and stood, all thoughts of food abandoned and headed for the door. "Jem?" Jem turned, hand on the doorknob.

"Yeah?"

"Don't tell Jerrica about my mom."

"Why?"

"I don't want her to feel bad." Jem nodded, swallowing back another batch of fresh tears.

"I promise."

"Thank you." Jem nodded. Jerrica needed to make a phone call.


	6. Chapter 6

Jem left the kitchen and pushed her hand through her hair, holding her bangs away from her forehead, she just stopped, stood and stared at the floor for a moment, trying to get her head back together, trying to gather her emotions up and stuff them back into the box labeled "Jerrica" and trying to gather her Jem face back in order before she saw anyone else. She couldn't blow her cover, and she had wanted to. She'd wanted to reach up and tell Synergy to turn it off right then and there with Chrissie in her arms, and she wanted to be Jerrica for the girl, wanted to hold her, and most of all she wanted to apologize to her for hurting her. But she couldn't. She couldn't lose the anonymity that Jem provided for Jerrica, she couldn't lose everything she had built for these girls because she was feeling horrible-she deserved to feel horrible.

She took another deep breath, and headed up the stairs, so she could go to her room and change clothes, and go to the nearest pay phone and call the girls, and let them know she was okay, and see how they all were doing.

Once on the floor that housed their bedrooms, she heard talking coming from Kimber's room. She heard the other Holograms talking as well. Something was going on.

"I can't talk to her when she's like this."

"Kimber. Come on. She's still the same person." Shana said softly.

"No. She's not. _That_ _person_ is not my sister."

"It's just a hologram." Aja said.

"No. No. It's not like a hologram. It takes her over. It makes her someone different. You guys can't POSSIBLY not see it!"

"She is a different person when Jem is there." Shana finally admitted. "She's more outgoing. She's more…"

"Flirty." Aja chimed in. "But that doesn't change who she is."

"She's less solid." Kimber said, and the defeated tone in her voice made Jem want to cry. "My sister is someone you can tell anything to. My sister is someone that will fix any problem you have. She's bossy as all get out, but she's only bossy because she loves us." Jem heard the tears in her sister's words.

"That person is still inside of her." Aja tried.

"She may be in there, but she's trapped, and Jem isn't letting me talk to her."

"Why are you so upset this time Kimber?" Shana asked after a pause.

"What?"

"Why are you so upset this time? I mean, she's been Jem for days at a time, and you've never been this upset with her before."

Kimber sniffed. Jem leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. This was an answer she wanted to hear and didn't want to hear all at the same time. Kimber wasn't known for her tact, and Jem braced for the impact that she knew was going to hit her right where she lived. "Because those times she had to be Jem, she had to be her because we had a gig or it was something work related. She doesn't have to be Jem now. She's choosing to be her, and not my sister." Kimber paused. Jem knew that it was hard for Kimber to just say what she was feeling, hard to just admit when she was sad, and it was easier for her to lash out, and say mean things than it was to be vulnerable. But then, Kimber started to speak, and it startled Jem, and it took her breath away. "And this week is the week that Dad died, and it makes it hard, you know? I feel like I've lost everyone."

"Oh Kimber." Shana said.

"I doubt she realized that." Aja chimed in.

"She should have. Because if dad hadn't died, then Jem wouldn't even be here. Sorta makes it a little more painful, you know? Because if Daddy were still here, I'd still have Jerrica, and this pink haired monster wouldn't be here, taking my sister away from me, away from you guys, away from Rio." Kimber sniffed.

"Kimber…." Aja started but Jem couldn't bear to hear what would come next. She couldn't stand to hear Aja's answers, didn't want to hear one of her best friends try to excuse her behavior this week. Wrapping her arms around her middle she hurried down the stairs, her stocking clad feet whispering as she moved, she practically ran to the front door, threw on the heels she had discarded by the door, and left the house, walking as fast as her legs would take her, walking towards Starlight Music, away from the house, away from the girls, away from her sister, away from her friends. She needed to think, she needed to figure out what in the hell she had been doing, and what it was going to take to fix it.

She walked and walked covered several miles, before she even began to notice that her feet were starting to blister from walking so long and so far in shoes that were most certainly not meant to be used for anything other than the stage.

She saw an opportunity to rest as a park bench came into her view. She hurried towards it, heels that she had unwisely put on clacking as she went. She sat down on the bench, pulled off one of the offending shoes and rubbed her sore instep.

She sighed, closed her eyes, and leaned back against the bench, trying to collect her thoughts, trying to figure out how she was going to keep going, both on foot and being Jem. She opened her eyes when she felt someone staring at her. In front of her was a woman that looked very much like her mother. The same blonde hair, and soft blue eyes. She looked like an older version of herself, well Jerrica herself. She looked around, trying to figure out if she was in a dream, if what she was seeing was actually real, she gripped the bench with both hands and her knuckles turned white under the strain.

"Jem?" the woman questioned and the voice was so much her mother that she actually gasped.

"Y—yes?"

"May I sit down?" she asked. Jem couldn't find her voice and just nodded, and scooted down a little. The older woman sat down and faced the sad young girl who, today, was a rockstar in name only. "You are even more beautiful in person than you are in your pictures."

"Th-Thank you." She said shyly.

"I have a daughter about your age. You're about 22 right?"

"I'll be 22 the day after tomorrow." She acknowledged.

"Oh, it's a fun age." The woman rested her shoulder against the back of the bench.

"What's your daughter like?" Jem asked finally catching her tongue.

"Oh, my daughter is a girl who has her head on straight." She laughed. "Sometimes too straight." Jem nodded. "She's headstrong, and always does what she thinks is right. But sometimes she forgets that she's still young, and that sometimes she makes decisions that are made with a young girl's impatience. And sometimes those decisions are ones that hurt other people."

Jem nodded and couldn't quite keep the tears that were falling down her cheeks in check.

"Oh, dear what is the matter?" she asked and pulled a handkerchief out of her pocket and handed it to Jem.

"I made one of those decisions."

"You did?"

"Yes ma'am I did."

"And now you're scared?"

"Yes. I'm scared that the people who count on me most won't forgive me."

"Did you kill anyone?"

Jem looked up sharply and shook her head, "No. No. I'd never hurt anyone."

"Then what couldn't they possibly forgive you for? You are a kind and sweet young woman."

"How would you know?" Jem asked. "You've never met me before."

"But I've seen you on television."

"I could just be a big fake." Jem said and realized that was what she felt like….a huge fake.

"No. People who don't have good hearts can't fake having good hearts. Your heart is so good it radiates on the screen." She smiled softly and said, "No, young lady, you are a good woman. Your mother must be proud."

She looked down at the handkerchief in her hand. "My mom died when I was younger. I wasn't nice to her before she left. My mother isn't proud of me."

"Mothers forgive their daughters Miss Jem." She said, her blue eyes tender and soft. "And family and friends—friends who are so close that they are family, they forgive too." The blonde woman stood.

"Thank you." Jem said blotting her eyes dry.

"You're quite welcome young lady. You better go home and make things right." Jem put her shoe back on her foot and stood.

"I will. I will make this right."

"I know you will. Good bye." The blonde woman turned and walked into the distance, Jem still holding onto the handkerchief.

As she stood watching the woman's back blend into the night, a car pulled up beside her.

"Jem?" She jumped, startled, and Rio's concerned expression greeted her.

"Rio."

"Are you okay? Kimber called, said they couldn't find you."

"Kimber called you?"

"Yeah, one of the girls said that they talked to you, and then none of them could find you anywhere in the house and Kimber and the others panicked. Come on. Get in the car, let's get you home." She nodded, and blotted her eyes again with the handkerchief.

**Hey all! Let me know what you think of this! I'd love to hear from you! Also, if you like this story, I've got another one going called _Kimber Steps Up_ if you are interested! ENJOY!**


	7. Chapter 7

Jem climbed into Rio's van, and tried to keep her tears under control. Rio put the car into drive and they started going back the way she had come. Despite her best efforts she wasn't able to keep the tears from flowing. Frustrated, she pulled the hair band out of her teased hair and it fell into her eyes, allowing her to hide just a little.

The van was silent, with Rio occasionally stealing glances at the woman whom he never would have expected to cry. Jem was strong, almost supernaturally so, and no amount of danger, no amount of pressure, no amount of anything seemed to stop her. So, hearing her cry, seeing the tears, was foreign to Rio. He knew how to handle Jerrica's tears, when she cried the best thing to do was to hold her tight and tell her that everything was going to be alright, whether or not it truly was-she just needed someone to be there and provide her with positives. But Jem….Jem…he was at a loss. He didn't think telling her that it would be alright would work, and he wasn't sure if a hug would do the trick. "Are you okay Jem?" He finally asked when they came up to a stop light.

She looked up long enough for her hair to move from her eyes just a little, and for him to see the tears still making their way down, dampening her hair against her cheeks. She nodded and blotted her eyes with a handkerchief that she had been twisting in between her fingers moments ago.

"You don't sound alright."

"It's nothing."

"It has to be something, or you wouldn't have left Starlight Mansion at 9 at night on foot, to parts unknown."

"I was heading to Starlight Music."

Shocked, he turned to her, her face still buried in that mass of hair—he missed the days when women wore their hair more naturally, that was something he loved about Jerrica, she wasn't a slave to the trends, her hair was natural, blonde, shorter than was normal, and she didn't try to tease it and make it look like her head was five times bigger than it was. And right now, he wished that Jem didn't have all of that hair to hide behind. He wanted to see her face, wanted to try to read the emotions there. But, that wasn't the case, teased pink layers masked his view. He focused on the road again, gripping the wheel tightly, so tightly his knuckles turned white.

"Why were you trying to walk ten miles to Starlight Music? Did you forget something?"

"No. I just…" She didn't know what to say. After hearing what Kimber said it felt like the only place she belonged, felt like the only place she was real. But she couldn't tell Rio that. So, instead, she shrugged.

"Did something happen at the mansion?"

"It's just girl stuff."

Rio sighed. "Would you like me to take you home, to your apartment, to your house, to your condo….to your parents house…wherever?"

"I don't have parents." Was all she said.

"No parents?"

"They're gone."

"I'm sorry. How long have they been gone?"

"A while."

"You have any siblings?"

"One."

"Sister or brother?"

"Sister."

"You and Jerrica have a lot in common."

"We do." She nodded. "It's one of the reasons we get along so well."

"Do you want me to take you to your sister's house?"

"No." She took another, hopefully final, swipe at her eyes and sat up straighter, took the discarded head band and began to pull all of her hair up into a tight tail at the top of her head. She wiped at her face again and then said, "I need to go back to the mansion. I need to talk to the girls."

Rio stole another glance at Jem, her voice had come out strong—definitive, much more in line with what was her normal. "You're sure you don't want to tell me what's going on?"

She put a hand on his arm and made a successful attempt at a smile. "I'm sure. But thank you for coming for me. Thank you for caring."

"You're my friend Jem. If something is wrong, I want to help."

She leaned over the gear shift and gave him a peck on the cheek. "Thank you."

XXXXX

She opened the door to the mansion and heard lots of voices and feet coming towards her. Several of the starlight girls crowded around her.

"Jem are you okay?"

"Where did you go?"

"Did we do something wrong?"

"Why did you go?"

"Girls!" Jem said loud enough to get all of them to quiet down. They all did, the youngest of the starlight girls still had her arms wrapped around Jem's hips and her face buried into her stomach. Jem pulled the girl's arms away from her and picked her up, and the little girl buried her face into Jem's neck. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's just that…" Deidre started. She looked at the other girls, and then hung her head a little. "Jerrica left because of me, Ashley and Brittany…..and we were worried that you left too because of us."

Jem's eyes filled again with tears, and she shook her head, readjusted the youngest on her hip and went to Deidra and put a hand on her shoulder. "No. I needed to do some thinking. I just…I just needed some time."

"But you didn't tell Kimber that you were leaving, and she was scared." Bahnee said. "That's not like you Jem."

"It's not like Jerrica to leave us either, but she did it." Ashley said attitude lacing her words. Jem hadn't heard that attitude from the blonde firecracker since she came to Starlight House.

"Jerrica left for work." Jem said trying to keep her voice steady. "She didn't leave you girls."

"Sure feels like it." Ashley said. "And if she can just up and leave us, what makes us think for a second you wouldn't up and leave either. It isn't like you have any reason to stick around." All of the girls silently agreed with Ashley.

"I was upset tonight, and I didn't want you girls to see me cry." Jem admitted.

"Shana says it's okay to cry. That we're all human." Chrissie said.

"I know. And she's right. I just…"

"Didn't want us to think you weren't perfect?" Ashley grumbled.

Jem thought for a moment and shook her head. "No. I just don't like people to see me cry." She said finally. She looked at all of the faces staring up at her, and then she saw her sisters on the stairs behind the girls. She turned quickly back to the girls. "I'm sorry for worrying you. I won't do it again." She promised and put the youngest back down on her feet. "Now, you girls need to go to bed. I need to talk to the others." One by one each of the girls turned and headed up to bed. Ashley was the last, she stood there with her arms crossed over her stomach, her eyes intense and angry. She went to Jem, and for a moment Jem thought she was going to hit her, but instead Ashley hugged her.

"If you talk to Jerrica tonight, tell her I'm sorry and that I didn't mean what I said. Tell her I want her home right now." Jem put a hand in Ashley's hair.

"I'll tell her."

Ashley nodded, headed towards the stairs and stopped, turned and said, "I don't like when people see me cry either." And she hurried up the stairs.

That left Jem alone with the others, others who weren't going to be as forgiving as the starlight orphans.

XXXX

Tea was poured and all five of them were seated at the kitchen table. "What is going on with you?" Aja finally asked.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have run out like that." Jem said.

"No. That's not it." Kimber said. "What's wrong with you JERRICA?"

She put the cup down and clasped her hands tightly, looking down at them while she spoke. "I just didn't feel like you guys, Rio, or the Starlight girls would miss Jerrica if she was gone for a while. I thought you guys would be happy to have the bossy, domineering, no fun Jerrica gone for a while."

"What?" Raya asked stunned. "You thought…"

"You thought that we like you better as Jem?" Shana asked incredulously.

Jem nodded. "Everyone is always asking where Jem is. They want Jem's opinion." She gave a snort. "Even Kimber said that she would rather have Jem as her sister." It was Kimber's turn to look down at her hands. "I just didn't think that Jerrica was very important. If all of the books were up to date, if everything was paid for, and everything was okay, I just sort of figured Jerrica could disappear and no one would really notice or care."

"What is wrong with you?" Aja asked, her no nonsense approach taking the others by surprise. "What in the world is wrong with you Jerr…." She stopped, sighed, leaned over the table grabbed one of the Jem star earrings, and said "turn it off Synergy." And Jem melted away in pink light to reveal a sad Jerrica. "Jerrica Benton." She said. "What in the world gives you the right to think that our friend, our sister, isn't important? How dare you make that call!?" Aja leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms under her breasts, her almond eyes were narrowed and fierce. "You are my best friend Jerrica Benton, actually, you are my sister. Foster sister, biological sister, whatever, you are my blood. And for you to treat my blood, my sister like that is down right despicable.

"It hasn't been an easy couple of days with you gone. You think we like Jem more than you? Seriously? You think that?"

They all waited for Jerrica to answer. "It wasn't a rhetorical question." Shana said.

Jerrica looked up and into the faces of all around the table, and she nodded. "Yeah. I do." Jerrica said quietly.

Kimber reached over and smacked the back of Jerrica's head. Jerrica looked up sharply and rubbed where Kimber's hand had hit. "I don't like Jem more than you!" Kimber almost shouted. "You are my sister. You are the one I look up to."

"More like the one you yell at." Jerrica said with some heat.

"I yell at you because I love you!"

"Or because I'm bossy. Or because I try to run your life. Or because I'm not fun. Or whatever the flavor of the day is!"

"Jerrica!" Raya said in an attempt to calm the blonde down.

"I'm sorry."

"Yes. You should be sorry." Kimber said.

"Why should I always be sorry? Don't you think that sometimes you hurt MY feelings? Like the whole thing you said in your diary, or when you went off with Stormer, or when you were jealous of Jem, or any of the other times you've blown up at me. Why am I always the one who has to be sorry?"

Kimber deflated a little. "Jerrica…" Raya put a calming hand on Jerrica's hand allowing Kimber time to collect her thoughts. "I'm sorry too." She finally said, and it was Kimber's turn to start crying. "While you've been…." she searched for the right words, "gone this week, I finally understood just how much I've taken you for granted." She pushed her hand through her hair. "I, well, today is the day that daddy died, and you weren't here to talk to. I felt all alone. And I missed you."

Jerrica looked down again. "I'm sorry, I didn't even realize that it was this week."

"I think you did." Raya said in her soft calming voice. "I think that was part of the reason you hid." Raya looked around the table at the faces of her band mates, the people who had taken her in and given her a home and treated her like family. "You hide in Jem sometimes, you use her as a way of not feeling what Jerrica feels. And I think somewhere inside of you, you knew that this week was the anniversary of your father's death, and I think you just couldn't face it. And what you said to Ashley is true, you don't like to let people see you cry, and when you are Jem, no one sees you cry, you don't even have to feel sad when you are her."

It took Jerrica a few moments but she finally nodded. "You might be right."

"Now can we end this?" Aja asked. "Can you come home tomorrow night? The girls…"

"I've screwed up with the girls, and I need to do some serious apologizing to them." Jerrica said readily.

"Yes. You do." Aja stood up and went to Jerrica and hugged her fiercely. "Don't scare us like that again, don't run off, talk to us. And don't disappear into Jem ever again. You hear me?"

"I hear you."

Shana hugged her too and whispered. "I'm glad you're here."

Raya squeezed her hand and smiled, and left Kimber and Jerrica to each other. The tears welled up in Jerrica's eyes again and she grabbed her sister and hugged her tightly. "I'm so sorry Kimber."

"Me too."


	8. Chapter 8

Once tears were dried, sisters disbanded to their beds, Jerrica put a finger to the Jem star earrings and called forth Jem. One of the foster girls might be awake and she would have a difficult time explaining why she was back and she wasn't prepared for the heart to heart she would have to have with the girls. They were going to be angry and they had every right to be, and they deserved their own go around with her about her selfish behavior. And now that she had time to reflect on all of it, it was selfish and she was ashamed of her behavior.

She sighed, shook her head trying to push the shame back into the back of her mind, tried to get her Jem face back in order, brushed pink bangs out of her eyes and left the kitchen and headed to bed.

She was passing her, Jerrica's, own room when she saw a light on underneath the door. Curious, she leaned closer to the door and heard Ashley and Deidra talking softly inside. She pressed her ear against the door and listened.

"She had to leave something behind, some sort of itinerary or a ticket stub, or something, anything that can give us a clue as to where she went." Deidra said, and Jem noted the slightly frantic edge to her voice, a sound she hadn't heard since Deidra had come to live with them all of those years ago, when she was still frightened that someone was going to put a hand on her and hurt her.

"She doesn't want us to find her." Ashley said stubbornly. "Obviously or she wouldn't have just left and not even told Kimber and Aja where she was going."

"Maybe they know."

"Come off it Deidra. If Kimber knew she would tell us. Jerrica just doesn't want to be here anymore."

"I don't believe that Ashley."

"You can believe whatever you want. But Jerrica always says that actions speak louder than words and her actions are pretty darn loud right now. She doesn't want us anymore." Ashley's breathing hitched and Jem's heart hurt at the sound. "She sent Jem to take her place. So she doesn't have to feel guilty. Jem doesn't want us either. Why would a rock star want to take care of orphans? Why? She's got her own life and it is probably way cooler than spending her days and nights running after us."

Jem heard the springs squeak on her bed—the mattress needed replaced but there were always so many other things that needed taken care of more than her own bed-the girls must have stopped their search.

"I just miss her is all." Deidra said.

"Well I don't miss her at all! If she wants to be this way than good riddance." Another squeak on the bed.

The girls were quiet for a moment. "You don't mean that, do you Ashley?" Deidra asked quietly.

There was a pause and then Ashley said softly, "No. I miss her a lot too. I'm just mad." Jem licked her lips and wiped at her eyes and pressed on the bedroom door and it opened. She put her hands on her hips and tried to look stern, but she wondered if that was even attainable with her bright pink hair and bright clothes.

Both Deidra and Ashley turned to her looking slightly startled and guilty. "Girls? What are you doing in here? I don't think Jerrica would like for you two to be rooting through her things."

Both hung their heads. "No. She wouldn't." Deidra said. "I was just trying to see if she left a clue, left something that could tell us where she is."

"She's in New York."

"Where in New York?"

"I don't know. She didn't tell me."

"Did she tell anyone?" Ashley asked.

"Not that I know of."

"Is she coming back?" Ashley asked quickly. She wanted the pain over with fast just like a band aid being ripped off of your arm.

"I think she will be back soon."

"What did she say to you when she called you?" Deidra asked.

"She just asked me if I would come and help out here for a couple of days while she went away."

"Did she sound mad?" Deidra asked.

"I didn't notice."

"Did she sound like she had been crying?" Ashley asked.

"I'm not sure."

"Oh you'd know if she'd been crying. She always tries to hide it, but her voice gets a little raspy and choked. Did she sound like that?"

"I didn't notice." Jem said. She was stunned. The girls knew her, knew her more than she realized. She always thought that they just liked her because she took care of them, but she was finally starting to see what she meant to these young women under her care. She fought to keep her emotions in check and once she had herself under some sort of control she took a deep breath and said, "Come on girls, you need sleep. You have school in the morning, and I have an album to record." Both girls got up and slowly headed towards Jem, and out of the door.

Deidra turned around, "If she calls tomorrow will you tell her I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said."

Jem put a hand on Deidra's shoulder. "You can tell her when she gets back."

XXXXXXX

The Holograms entered the recording studio ahead of Jem and Rio greeted each in turn. "Where's Jem?" he asked as they took their positions behind their instruments. After finding her in tears on the side of the road last night, he worried about the pressure that she must be under. He never thought of Jem as being under pressure, of having a worry or a care in the world other than whether or not the Misfits were going to cause trouble, and last night made him see her differently, and he was worried about her.

"She went to the bathroom." Aja said as she strapped her guitar in place.

"How is she today?"

"She's better." Kimber said and after a pause she said, "We're all better."

"What happened?" he asked.

"Girl stuff." Shana said. "We just said things to each other that we didn't mean because we are all frustrated because Jerrica just disappeared on us."

"And Jem thought that it meant we didn't want her around." Raya added. "Just all a misunderstanding."

Rio nodded, "Speaking of Jerrica….have you guys heard from her?" he asked.

"No. I think we'll hear from her soon though." Kimber said.

"I heard from her." Jem said as she walked into the studio. She looked as good as she always did in a purple ensemble with her hair in a ponytail, but her voice was sadder than it usually was, and the light that shone from her and lit up a room was dim today. Rio

"You did?" Aja asked slowly.

"Yeah," she nodded as she sat down on the stool in front of the microphone. "When I went back in the mansion to get my purse. The phone was ringing. It was Jerrica."

"What did she say?" Rio asked quickly.

"She said that she was going to be home by the time we got home from the studio."

"How did she sound?"

"She sounded a bit tired but none the worse for wear."

"She say anything else?"

"No. She said that none of us needed to worry about picking her up, she'd catch a cab." Silence. No movement, no sound, no anything. And he longer it went on the more itchy Jerrica felt inside of Jem's skin. Rio was stunned and obviously didn't know if it was okay to be excited for Jerrica to come back, because she had heard what the girls said about why Jem had been crying last night. Jem looked at everyone and forced a smile. "She's coming home guys, that's what you all have wanted all week. Perk up!" She said as cheerily as possible. The daze seemed to break and she looked back at her band mates. "Come on girls, it's time to rock!"


	9. Chapter 9

Jem watched everyone watch the clock—Rio especially. He couldn't seem to tear his eyes away from his watch. A part of her was furious…furious that he couldn't see her right in front of him, and that he couldn't tell, couldn't tell that Jerrica was inside this mask, and the other part of her, the Jem side of her was sad that she wasn't good enough for everyone in this room. That part always frightened Jerrica-the Jem side. It made her wonder if having a dual identity had caused her to crack a little. Usually it was easy to turn off the Jem side, to press it down, to make it go away with a touch of an earring and a spoken word.

But that was before she had forced herself to be Jem for days on end, even sleeping in the persona. Last night when Aja turned off the disguise, she had felt naked, striped down to the bone, and that wasn't something she was used to feeling when she was Jerrica. She had been Jerrica last night, had acted, spoke, and expressed the feelings of the blond woman they had all been friends with for so long. But that had almost felt like a mask, felt like how Jem used to feel way back when, when she had started this whole charade to win back her music company. Truth be told, she was concerned that she had done more than simply taken Jerrica away from everyone for a week, she was concerned that she would never be right again, no matter how long she stayed Jerrica. It made her think of the book she had read once in high school, a doctor wanted to be free, wanted to be able to do the fun things that his guarded personality would never allow him to do. So he took a potion, became someone more care free, someone who was nothing like himself, and in the end it killed the humble doctor that everyone loved so much. Had she done the same thing?

So while Rio watched the clock in anticipation, she watched the clock with dread. What if she had really screwed up this time? What if Jem was a stronger force now than Jerrica? Would she be forced to "kill" Jerrica? Would she no longer be able to hold the "Jerrica persona" in place?

She forced herself to keep herself in check, keep the worry out of her voice, to keep the tension out of her body, keep her singing voice cheerful and bubbly. But inside, her body was quaking with fear. Maybe she was overthinking things, maybe she just needed a couple of days to settle back into Jerrica's life. That was it. She just needed to settle back into Jerrica's life. That would do the trick. That would make everything alright again.

It was easy to escape Rio's watchful eye. She simply gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him that she was going to catch a cab home because everyone was going to need alone time with Jerrica. He didn't protest. He smiled and nodded, and hurried out the door behind the holograms. And for some reason, that made her heart heavy.

XXXX

She got out of the taxi, paid the man, straightened her skirt and her hat, picked up her luggage and headed towards the mansion, she was feet away from the door when it swung open and hoard of starlight girls poured out of the house, the Holograms standing just inside watching the reunion. She was nearly tackled and before she knew what she was about she was on the ground, being hugged from all sides.

"Girls! Girls!" Jerrica laughed. "Let me up."

A chorus of "Sorry Jerrica" was heard and Deidra and Ashley helped her stand.

"Glad you're home." Deidra said softly. Jerrica smiled and ran a hand down the length of the girl's yellow blond hair.

"Come on, let's get inside." Jerrica said and ushered the girls inside the mansion. The girls didn't leave her side or stop talking as she walked her bags upstairs and put them inside her room. Jerrica struggled to keep up with their conversations. Finally she put her hands up and they all silenced.

"You girls are going to have to talk one at a time." Jerrica said with a small laugh.

Deidra and Ashley looked around at the other girls and then Ashley spoke. "Can we have some time alone with you? We need to talk to you." Deidra nodded and Jerrica looked around at the other faces that were looking at her like they had just found the most precious thing in the world and were loathed to let it out of their sight.

"Girls, can I give Deidra and Ashley an hour?" Faces fell and some became tight with worry.

"You won't leave again will you?" Chrissie asked.

"No….why?"

"The last time they were alone with you, you left." Brittany supplied. The rest of the girls nodded confirming Brittany's worries.

Tears bit the backs of Jerrica's eyes, and she forced herself to be calm and rational, forced herself to keep her emotions in check. "I promise I'll still be here when they are done talking with me."

"You can't leave us like that again."

"I'm sorry."

"It was like when my mom left me." Amanda, one of the newer starlight girls admitted. "She went to work and never came home again." Jerrica struggled not to look at Chrissie, struggled not to let her know that she knew that Amanda's fears weren't Amanda's alone.

Jerrica knelt down in front of the sad little girl. "I'm so sorry."

Tears began to track down Amanda's face. "She was there the night before and then when I got up she was gone. That's what you did. You said this was a safe place, that we wouldn't get hurt here."

Jerrica lost the ability to keep the tears at bay. They began to track down her face smearing the make-up that she had painstakingly put on in the bathroom of Starlight Music. She gathered the sad little girl in her arms and said, "I'm so sorry. I didn't think you would be hurt if I left."

"What?"

"Are you kidding?"

"Are you stupid or something?"

"I can't believe that you would think…" The starlight girls spoke all at once.

"You really didn't think we would miss you?" Chrissie asked.

"I had Jem come in my stead. I thought that would be enough."

"But Jem isn't you." Jennifer whispered. "She's nice and she's pretty and she's famous, but she isn't you Jerrica."

"You always tell us that we can't be replaced." Ashley said. "Remember, you told me that after the fire, after I was stupid and ran back into the house for the honor jar, you sat me down and you told me that I was more important than anything that money could buy. That I couldn't be replaced, that once I was gone, that was it, and that your heart would hurt if I was gone. Same goes for you. My heart hurt while you were gone. You are our mom." Ashley's voice cracked on the last. "For some of us, you're the only mom we've ever had." The other girls all nodded. "And Jem can't replace our mom."

Jerrica put a hand to her mouth, the tears were running in a steady stream down her face now.

"I'm so sorry." She repeated.

"Did you leave because of us?" Deidra, who had begun to cry as well, asked.

"No." Jerrica said with conviction. "No. I left for work reasons."

"But you didn't call." Bah nee said.

"You always call." Chrissie added.

"Why didn't you call us? Were you mad at us?" Carly, the youngest of the girls, asked.

Jerrica shook her head in the negative, trying to get a hold of her voice. "No. No. It wasn't you. I was just…just…it was grown up stuff, and I shouldn't have let it interfere with you girls. I'm so sorry."

There were rounds of hugs and Jerrica sat on the floor of her bedroom and listened to her foster girls tell her about their week, taking turns and making sure she gave each and every single one of them her undivided attention, even if it was only for a little bit.

Aja was the one to break it up, she stood in the doorway to Jerrica's bedroom and said softly, "Girls it is two hours past your bedtime, you need to go to bed, Jerrica will be here in the morning to see you off to school. Come on." Reluctantly the girls followed Aja out of the bedroom. Deidra and Ashley remained behind.

"We're really sorry for how we acted." Deidra said.

"I didn't leave because of you."

"It still doesn't excuse our behavior." Ashley said. "We shouldn't have said we wished Jem were here."

"It's okay for you to like Jem."

"But it's not okay to get mad and say things we don't mean." Deidra said.

Jerrica nodded, looked down at her hands and then back into the eyes of her girls. "I need to ask for your forgiveness too."

Ashley and Deidra nodded immediately. They slammed into Jerrica and gave her a bruising hug.

"You girls need to go to bed."

"You'll be here in the morning?" Ashley asked tentatively.

"I'll be here. I swear." The foster girls nodded and reluctantly left the bedroom. Jerrica slumped. She had done damage she hadn't meant to do, she had broken the hearts of the girls she had sworn to protect. Being Jerrica sucked.


	10. Chapter 10

Jerrica was up before the sun the following morning, she hadn't been able to sleep her mind was roaming and rolling and it wouldn't stop. So, she was dressed and downstairs earlier than she had to be, helping Aja with the lunches when the girls came tumbling downstairs, each orphan felt the need to touch Jerrica as if to make sure that she wasn't an illusion , a mirage, a hologram. They chattered non-stop and it took both women to force them out of the house and to the bus stop. When the door shut, and the nose subsided Aja looked at Jerrica, who was cleaning up the mess the girls had made, and asked, "You still think Jem is more important?"

Jerrica stopped cleaning and turned to her long time friend. "I get it." She said trying not to sound snippy.

"I think you get it THIS time." Aja said as she fell beside Jerrica drying the dishes Jerrica washed.

"What are you talking about?" Jerrica asked, her frustration coming out in her voice.

"I'm still not sure that you won't do this again."

"What?"

"How can I be sure that the next time life gets to be too much as Jerrica that you won't escape into Jem again. Or that you won't find someone else to become and just disappear and we won't even be able to find you to talk you down, and get you to come back to us."

Jerrica scrubbed at the dish harder than was necessary, and said, "Look, I goofed. I made a mistake. I promise I won't do it again. I don't know what else to say that will convince you."

"Actions speak louder than words Jerrica. You know that."

Jerrica threw the dish back down into the soapy water, suds exploding from the sink and sticking in Jerrica's bangs. "I'm done apologizing to you." The heat lacing Jerrica's words was palpable. But Aja was tough, she'd lived through more trauma than Jerrica would ever know, and it had made her a formidable young woman, and Jerrica's little stinging comments weren't about to deter her.

"I don't want your apologies. I want you to be here. Always. Front and center."

Jerrica turned to Aja, and Aja ignored the anger and frustration in the dark blue eyes. "I can't always be Jerrica, you know that. I have to be Jem to record the album, to promote the album, to do press, to do concerts. There are a lot of times that I can't be front and center."

"But here, at home, you need to always be you."

Jerrica narrowed her eyes. "I'm always Jerrica when I'm home."

Aja gave a sad little smile. "You've come home plenty of days as Jem rather than Jerrica." Aja sighed. "You are more important to them as Jerrica than Jem could ever be." Jerrica turned her face away from Aja, the fire that had been burning so bright was dulled, and began to wash the next dish. "I know you don't believe that."

"I hurt them. Jerrica only punishes them because they do things wrong, or lectures them because they didn't do well at school or hurt each other's feelings. And then, I do stupid stuff like I did this week and I hurt them. I'm not good for much else."

Aja closed her eyes and reached around Jerrica and hugged her best friend. "You didn't hear a single thing those girls said last night."

"I heard them loud and clear."

"You only heard what you wanted to hear."

Jerrica spun out of the embrace, her anger instantaneous. "You think that I only wanted to hear that I hurt them? You think I like hearing about how I screwed everything up, about how I made them feel abandoned? If you think that's what I wanted to hear…then you have some seriously warped sense of who I am!"

"Listen to me Jerrica Marie Benton!" Aja demanded. "Those girls were trying to tell you they loved you, and they look at you like you are their mother. They don't want their mother to disappear, they love her too much. They told you that they liked Jem but they want you around. That's what you didn't hear! You only ever hear the bad things about yourself. You've been that way for as long as I've known you Jerrica. Five people can tell you that you are beautiful, but one person says that they think you are plain, and that is the person you believe. That's why you've never sang as Jerrica. Because someone told you once that you were a bad singer. But no one tells Jem those things, so Jem always gets the praise, the accolades, the attention. And you like that."

"Why shouldn't I like that?"

"You should like that, but you have to realize that you are just as good of a person, just as talented, just as worthy of praise as Jem is. You have to understand that people love you, respect you, and depend on you. I just don't want you to disappear like that again Jerrica. No matter how hard life is, no matter how much we argue, no matter how hard the day, or no matter how many times we ask where Jem is, it doesn't mean that we don't love you. Those girls.." she pointed towards the door. "Those girls need YOU Jerrica, not Jem. Don't ever forget that."

Jerrica's eyes filled with tears as Aja spoke, and now they spilled over. She nodded. Aja gathered her into another embrace. And for the first time since this whole ordeal began, Aja felt as if she had broken through Jerrica's defenses and made her understand.

"Now I've got to face Rio." Jerrica said as she pulled away from Aja. She wiped her eyes and sniffed.

"What are you going to tell him?" Aja asked. Jerrica shrugged and leaned back against the sink.

"I've been thinking all night about what to tell him. And the only thing I can figure is that it is time to tell him."

"About Jem?"

"Yes. It's time."

"It is time." Aja confirmed.

"I just hope it doesn't mean that I have to lose him." Aja inwardly sighed, she hoped the same thing.


	11. Chapter 11

They recorded the whole day through; they were on a roll and couldn't find a place to stop until well after midnight. Jem let the others go ahead of her, and stopped Rio on the way out. "Can we talk?"

He looked at the door and then back to Jem. "Jem, I really wanted to talk to Jerrica tonight before bed."

"I know you did." She said and straightened to her full height, edging her chin up a notch trying to look confident, hoping that if she looked confident, she would feel it as well. "And I'm right here." She said on the exhale.

Rio smiled and put a hand on her cheek. "Jem. You're tired. It has been a long week. Go on home."

"No. Rio. It's me Jerrica. And you are right, it has been a long week, but we do need to talk. Let's go to my office." She said and strode out of the recording studio ahead of him, not giving him a moment to question or comment.

Rio stood alone in the recording studio confused and bewildered. "What in the hell just happened here?" he wondered out loud. Looking at the empty doorway, and hearing the clicking of her heels growing fainter he took off at a jog to follow her.

"Jem! Wait!" He chased her into Jerrica's office. She went behind him and closed the door, strode more confidently than she felt towards the couch, kicked off her shoes, and sat down with one leg tucked up underneath her.

"What is going on?" he asked hands firmly planted on his hips. She sighed and ran a hand through pink bangs.

"Sit down Rio. We have a lot to talk about."

"I don't want to sit down." She looked down and nodded.

She avoided eye contact, because she didn't want to see the anger and hatred in those eyes that had loved her and reassured her through so many things, things that would have broken her if it hadn't been for his comforting and loving embrace-touch-look. "I'm Jerrica." She repeated and forced herself to look him in the eye.

"There is no way you are Jerrica." He argued. "I've seen the two of you together."

"I am Jerrica." She sighed and tried to think of a way to get him to see her through the make up and the hair, she wanted him to be able to see through the disguise, and to actually see HER. "Remember when you first started helping my dad? Remember how I would wear that blue dress and prance around the work room? Remember that?"

"I remember Jerrica doing that."

A calm had settled over Jerrica. Rio would either flip out and never speak to her again, or he would hear her out, and he would love her to the end. Either way, there wasn't anything she could do about it, and that realization filled her with a sense of calm, a sad sense of calm, but calm just the same. "I would wear that blue dress because I thought it made me look older." She pulled some of her hair and began to twirl it around her fingers as she spoke, staring off into the distance like she could see the memory playing on the wall in front of her, like a movie. "Then I saw you and Aja together, and she never wore dresses, always overalls or jeans, she was such a tomboy back then." A smile played on her lips. "So I quit wearing that blue dress, any dress, and I started wearing overalls, and jeans, because I thought that was what you liked. But that wasn't it either." She leaned back against the arm rest of the couch. "I finally quit trying, and that was when you noticed me. Just when I thought I had lost you, when I quit chasing you, you came to me. Remember?" She finally looked at him for the first time since she began speaking. His eyes were intense, and his face was angry.

"That doesn't prove that you're Jerrica. Jerrica could have told you all of that."

She licked her lips, it was time for the big guns. "You have a scar on your right inner thigh." His face went slack.

"You couldn't know."

"No. I couldn't, unless you had told me, or Jerrica had told me, or unless I've seen it. It's pretty high up on your right inner thigh, it's jagged and raised. It tapers off just above your knee. Your dad gave it to you before you left home." Rio's mouth went dry. No one knew about that scar, no one but Jerrica, and he had only told her because they were intimate, and she asked, and he hadn't wanted there to be any secrets between them. But apparently she hadn't felt the same.

"Jerrica swore she wouldn't ever tell anyone that."

"And I haven't." She paused. "And I won't. Ever. No matter the outcome of this conversation, I will never tell another living soul about it."

Rio's mind raced, raced so fast he had to sit down. As he sagged into the chair he questioned ,"Jerrica?"

She nodded. "It's really me Rio." Rio's body sizzled hot with anger, his brain clouded with confusion, and his heart heavy with sadness—the woman he'd loved, trusted, valued above all others had lied, kept the biggest secret of her life from him. And he hadn't even noticed. He hadn't even realized that the two were one in the same. Some of that anger, some of that confusion, some of that sadness was reserved for himself.

Taking advantage of Rio's confused and angry silence she began to explain, "I became Jem so I could save this music company." She gestured to the building surrounding her. "I became Jem so I could save my girls, so I could have enough money to feed and clothe them. I never…." She sighed. "I never wanted to lie to you."

"Do the others know?"

"Yes. Kimber, Aja, Shana, and Raya know. Kimber, Aja, and Shana helped to create Jem.

Betrayal was a new ingredient to the feeling stew that was simmering just below the surface. "What? Wasn't I good enough to tell? Why wasn't I brought in on this from the jump?"

"It all happened so fast." She pushed hair from her face. "We had to make Jem, had to put together a song, and get ourselves ready in less than 24 hours. I just forgot to call. That was what happened Rio. It was a simple mistake, and then it snowballed into what it is right now. And I've hated every single second of this deception."

Rio shot to his feet and loomed over her. "You forgot to call? Seriously? That's your explanation. You have got to be kidding me."

"Rio…"

"No. Now it's my turn to do some talking." He began to pace, and her eyes followed him like a prey animal watching the hunter stalk them. "You could have told me any time you would have liked. After the first time you sang, right before you left for the first concert. You had PLENTY of time to tell me this mammoth secret! It's been over two years! Two years Jerrica! And you are just NOW telling me this? Why not wait until I married you and had children with you…and then go…'oh, by the way honey I have to go perform….you see I'm Jem.' Why not then?"

"Rio don't be unfair."

"I'm not being unfair. You've been unfair. I love you Jerrica Benton, I always have. And you don't love me enough to trust me." He threw his hands up. "I thought you trusted me." He said more quietly, and Jerrica's heart ached.

"Rio." He put his hand up silencing her.

"I'm going to go home. I need to think this through. I need space. It's my turn to take a week away from my life." He moved so fast to the door that Jerrica didn't have time to jump up and stop him. He threw open the door, it bounced against the wall, and he was gone.


End file.
